What next

A bit of an older piece but i have been away from this blog for sometime now and there was an article posted in the telegram based on this...so i figured i would post it!


Eight years ago my world was changed....

New to the adult world my life was a turmoil of events.

My head was saying higher learning while my heart was screaming for something else, something more.

Then one rainy afternoon, sitting red eyed and torn, in my favourite spot of my home; in front of my computer...My phone rang.

I had an interview. Uh oh.
My first real interview, which was then followed by my frist real job offer. Uh oh

Decision time. register for a course load that I was taking for the sake of taking? With a major marked undecided? Spent thousands of borrowed dollars while i was making up my mind of what i wanted to be when I grew up? Or break away from the status quo and take a job until my mind was made up and I know what my place in this crazy world was.

I took the job

Deep Breaths , deep breaths. This is far from scrubbing crab at the local fish plant. I was going to be a teacher , a preschool teacher. I was responisble for the care and education of other peoples most prized possessions, their children.

It didnt take me longer then a day to realize I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I was supposed to work with children. Children had not only become my place in the world, but they had become my calling. So much life, so much spirit and so much hope.

weeks turned into months and months into years I loved this job and everything about it. The days came though when that not doing enough feeling begin to rise inside me. Abuse and Neglect were words that had become an all too common part of my vocabulary at work. What could an innocent child possibly do to deserve such treatment? How could you lift your hand to someone with such little hands, and little eyes, but such a big heart?

I knew I had to do something
the academic bells begin to ring.
I registered for that course load, only this time knowing exactly what to fill out in that little box that holds the rest of your life. Major - Social Work

Social worker of course! I could become a social worker and having worked in a daycare for so long would still hold a high respect for daycare workers, which tends to get lost among social workers. So I went back. a full course load combined with a close to full time job begin taking its toll. Regretfully I said a tearfull good bye to daycare, to my home away from home and I left..determined to change the world.

2 years passed and now being used to the struggles of university life I knew I could handle both working and school and so I went back.

4 months ago my world was changed

what I returned to was not my second home that I had left. Teacher thoughts no longer of new and fun ideas of what do to with thier group that day, rather they were consumed of fear of social workers violations and in fear of their jobs.

what had happened? This place that I had once loved had become nothing more then a prison of stress. Childrens eyes once filled with respect and admiration for their teacher were now replaced with deviance. How can you possibly respect something who hardly notices that you are there anymore, just notices how many of you there are? for if you have one child too many, you feel the breath of a social worker close to your neck.

that inner turmoil returned. who was to blame for this? the Teachers? some of whom have spent their entire lives dedicated to daycare, who love this children as if they were their own. It just wasnt possbile. Then what changed?

Social workers...my chest caves as my future comes crashing down. Has the love of children been replaced by the love of power?

Every month there is a new regulation. no coloring? no drawing pictures for the children? this was nothing short of laughable. No wonder no one wants to be be an early childhood educator anymore...not to mention the fact that I can work selling donuts for more money and less stress.

In 10 years whether I helped a child color a picture is not going to decide whether they pass chemistry or not.

Something has got to change, someone has got to change it. We have to look at whats the most important thing here. The Children.

Ill take an " I love you teacher" over a social workers violation any day

We Miss You

Despite my first year English professors greatest attempts to argue otherwise, I am not a poet. I admit that I may have dabbled a bit, however the inners workings of my mind are to say the least not that of an artistic nature. Today however, demureness aside, Im putting my not so creative works out there for all to see. With the anniversary of my first cousins death just passing and that of my favorite uncle as well as a dear friends fast approaching I thought this blogspot would be a perfect spot to remember them. I wrote this poem for their families.....

can I tell you how I feel

when I say his name?

can I tell you what its like

the dreams always the same

I close my eyes and take his

hand and everythings ok

as morning light comes shining

though, his hand it slips

away

If I could grant you just one wish

I wish that you could see

that even though your tears

are near, his soul has been

set free

can you tell me how you

feel when you say his name?

A smile is there, I know there is

our dreams are both the

same

May they rest in peace

Change but be yourself

"When I dare to be
powerful, to use my strength in the service
of my vision, then it becomes
less and less important whether I am
afraid".....Audre
Lorde

Recently I was presented with the question "would you change anything?". As my age increases and my future is a question mark, I must admit that the thought of erasing bad choices, embarrassing moments, and heartache is a little more then tempting, however im left to wonder, isn't it these things that make us who we are? for better or for worse?

I have lived a big part of my life in fear, tenacious to the core and unwilling to change. Recent events involving both priorities as well as a little heartache have opened my eyes! What scares me now is holding back and holding on. This is the first week of the rest of my life. Fear no longer consumes me with weakness, it is now my strength, my strength to succeed. Think about it, open YOUR eyes. Fear is not holding you back, you are.

Infected with fear

Is this office smaller then most?
Why are all these kids smiling?
I think im having a heart attack!
The thoughts in my head are so loud that Im convinced that the bratty looking kid with a hole where his two front teeth should be, can hear them, as he whispers to his mother and both begin to giggle.
I would take a walk with a clown down a deserted road in a trade off for this sickening anticipation. Kids, normally my tranquility, today my nemesis, as I would give my first born for an ounce of their oblivion world.
fear does not even do justice to how I feel about dentists, but I have put this off for far too long and I am embarking down a road that I have avoided for many years. If the picture wasn't a give away then I will just tell you. Im getting braces! Yip that's right, as if I didn't hand you people over enough things to make fun of me for, I now have to pile my mouth full of metal!
This Blog of mine is a plea! This fear is not little and it grows more as the day nears that the dentist straps me in. Tell me we are past Junior high and that braces are now "cool" or hey at least lie to me! I not doing this for you, only me..If you have lived with me or seem to notice my complete avoidance of any Pictures, then you know that this has been an obsession of mine for many years, however what I do need is support. When it comes to braces my fear exceeds the actually procedure and into the everyday as I fear this new accessory will be the only focus of my personality. So dear friends who love me so...Tell me you will still love me when I don't love my mouth..And of course that the dentist is not going to kill me in his office! Bah...Wish me luck!

A puppet on a string?

To anyone who may know me, I mean aside from online bantering or passing pleasantries as music drowns out our voices or flashy lights our vision, to my true friends you know that i'm an easy person to get along with. I will do just about anything and everything as long as it pleases you in some way, shape, or form. Today however the real world slapped me in the face and I realized that my altruistic behavior is not appreciated in the way I had once believed but rather its being abused and I have been stained with my co workers footprints.
in previous posts I have wrote of my passion for my work. In recent weeks I have been rewarded for this passion, a reward that has not sat well with some..
For the first time In 5 years I figured I must be doing something right and I felt good. This euphoria left me with a crazy feeling of taking initiative and actually branching out from the norm and trying something on my own, a penalty I was soon fined for. Ok I realize right now your confused as my anecdote is blurry. Let me get to the moral of this unfinished story....
To be honest and considerate...Is to be used and manipulated
To succeed is to be ruthless
I guess I have failed

sorry hard day....

And it has begun...

Its that time of year again! Not only is this the season of skirts and bikinis and festivals, but it also marks the beginning of a new season of my favorite show!! No jokes here people you can have your golf or basketball or hockey but I have my reality T.V and big brother tops the list! Not only is this a new season but its an all star cast...All stars from previous big brothers that is! For the less enlightened big brother is a cast of 14 people chosen randomly and put inside a house to live for the whole summer where they compete for a head of house hold, commonly known as the HOH. The person holding the power of HOH goes on to nominate 2 more members of the house one of which will be voted out by a jury of their "peers". This week Jase and Janelle won HOH and in a surprising twist put danielle and Ali up...In my own opinion Ali would have my vote to get outta there but hey I don't have that kind of power..Not yet anyways...But who knows what will happen!! If your not a viewer try it out..One taste and you will be back every tues, thrus, and Sat!!

What you didn't know:
The name Big Brother dates back the time of the holocaust. Many believed they were constantly being watched and when wanting to communicate with each other would state that "big brother is watching"

Battle Of the Bulge

Has a whole year past? Is this summer really just around the corner?
These thoughts consume my head as I stand in this years bathing suit, thinking about the failure of last years resolution. I look to the mirror and I am convinced I see remnants of a former me, however it seems as though the stranger in the mirror has swallowed that girl. Standing now more depressed then expected, I can't help but wonder why the struggle? In a world of terrorists and epidemics why is our biggest fear "getting fat"?. Sure I may have eaten the old Janine, but am I less happy? Or is this drive for another reason? Has the past three weeks of dieting, running and pilates been a struggle for something else? Is it to find love?
doubtfully as the thought of love scares me more then obesity.
I do not know what it is that drives me, but for now I like it and I will continue to like it until the former maybe even a healthier me resurfaces!!
SO STAY TUNED.........

Say I love you

Its 6pm and your husband is at home preparing dinner. You just got a raise and this weekend your moving into a bigger house with the proverbial white picket fence. As you pull up to the stadium you wonder if her lessons may have finished a little early today. You check the mirror a days work still apparent on your face but masked with a smile as the baby begins to kick. The cold meets your face as you enter. The instructor approaches you.."mrs.Jane....there Been an accident".......
I know I know I promised only humor and good times but there was an accident this past weekend and I just cant seem to shake it. A little girl died. Her parents said good-bye not knowing that this was their last minute with their little girl, that the precious person that not 10 years before they held in their hands and cried at the little miracle they just created is now gone. Who could have known that the thing she loved most was the one thing that took her out of this world.
At the young age of 25 I have had my share of tragic endings. An uncle more like a second father, a cousin more like a friend, and a friend more like family have all past to what we hope for our own sanity a better place. At any minute of any hour of any week someone can be taken away from you whether you are prepared for it or not. So please hug your best friend...Tell that special someone that you love them and appreciate the people that you do not because somebody does........ I Love everyone of you!!!